I'm sorry for all the negativity I manage to shove into these posts. It was not my intention, but this has transformed into my therapy, so get an ear load of this.
I finally realize how being called skinny can be on the same degree of insult as being called fat. I know, it sounds absoloutley ludicrous. I remember smiting girls who complained about how thin they were. I remember thinking that I'd do ANYTHING to get to a point where people worried about how small I was getting.
Well, I'm there. And you know what? it fucking sucks. I have been bombarded with nothing but insults. After all of my hard work it would really be nice to hear a "You're looking good these days" or something. But no. My so-called concerned friends decide to have an intervetion when there is nothing to intervene. My mom stuff the fridge with every single one of my favourite junk foods in hopes to see me binge like I used to.
Honestly, it's just so frustrating. It makes me want to throw my hands up, give up and give them what they want. Then the other side of me wants to prove them wrong. The other side of me wants to eat nothing, just because it is the opposite of what they are telling me to do.
I have a friend who suffers from an eating disorder. For some reason she took it upon herself to invade my privacy, quiz me on my habits and accuse me of having the same thing she does. She says I don't eat enough calories for a growing girl. She says I've changed. She says that back in the day, if someone was full, they'd give there food to me, because I'd be sure to eat it. That is how they saw me. Minnie the human garbage can. Fuck sakes.
What really grinds my gears more then anything is that SHE is preaching this unnecessary bullshit to me is that SHE IS THE ONE WITH THE FUCKING EATING DISORDER. Don't tell me I don't eat enough when you KNOW you won't eat breakfast, lunch or dinner, and if you do all the contents will end up in the fucking toilet bowl anyways. How hypocritical and twisted. How am i supposed to acknowledge her advice, it just seems so fake. How genuine can a person be when they are doing everything they are telling me not to do except 3303030 x worse. She doesn't give a shit about me. She's just jealous that I got off this weight in a HEALTHY manner, while she barfs up half an apple sauce and then binges on the weekends.
I've tried to help her, so many times. But all she does is lie. Denies. Refuses my help. Every time I tell her "You have an eating disorder, get help," she says "How do you know that why, does it look like I've lost weight?" Eagerly waiting the reply that she is stick thin. But no, she has not lost weight, you can't when you're eating patterns are as fucked up as that.
She is an example of everything I don't want to be. It's just so stressful, doing this whole lifestyle change, when you have ZERO support. My blog is the only place where people actually understand me. I am the only 16 year old in my school who DARE go against society and actually do something to better my life.
So you can tell me I have a fucking disorder, yu can tell me I'm too skinny, you can wave every chocolate bar or taco in my face or try and shove it down my throat. I've worked way to hard to let stupid hypocrites who call themselves my friends get me down. Just please, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Feeling better
Yah, sorry I went a little crazy yesterday. I have no idea why i was so frazzled, i must have a hormonal imbalance of some sort. I'm feeling a lot better today.
These are the words I never wanted to say, but I think I have to come clean for the sake of my sanity. Some days I think I have an eating disorder. I battled one a few years back, but it was not for an extensive period of time, it took me about a month to snap out of it and gain all the weight back plus some.
I've just been so encouraged with all the weight I am rapidly losing. In the first few months I plateaued at a weight loss of five pounds. Then suddenly it's not even month three and I'm 4 pounds shy of my goal. I think the abrupt success made me want to kick it in high gear, lose even more, even faster, because I now know what I am capable of. If that required me to skip supper, cry because I ate over 700 calories in a day, then those were situations I would just have to endure.
I remember seeing a quote, it said
"Don't wait until you're thin to start living."
I think that is my problem. I've started this journey seeking happiness, not considering that it is okay to have it along the way. Don't get me wrong, I'm NOT anorexic, I just think sometimes how I go about my diet has disordered patterns. I passed up supper for a week in place of a single piece of fruit and peanut butter. I found myself having no energy throughout the day and my period was going bonkers. Every time I stood up everything would go black briefly, and I was always cold.
No more. I want this to be my new life. This is a lifestyle I have to adapt to. That means finding a balance. I'm never going to stick to it if everyday I feel like a tired, weak piece of crap who is always thinking about food but never eating it. The last thing in the entire world that I want is to be one of those people who do so well for a short period of time, and then go nuts and gain all the weight back and then some. it is literally my worst nightmare, to get to a point where I look back and wish I had the same will power. I need to get this straight, or else I'll end up depressed, or fat, or both.
I decided I'm going to stop counting calories. Obviously I'm going to read the nutrition labels and junk but I'm not going to dive for caloriecounter.com if I consume one grape. This may not be wise in others opinions but for me I find if I know how many calories are in something, I am less likely to eat it, even if that something is a banana. Coutning caloriesis too obsessive for my new lifestyle and is not a habit I would likely be able to carry through, so that is nixed.
I'm still going to keep a food log however. I'm also not going to let this weight loss journey consume me. Obviously it is very, very important and something I am going to try my very, very hardest to stick through, but I have other things in my life. I decided whenever this majorly gets in the ways of my school work, family and firends, I'm going to have to re-prioritize.
That felt really good to get out. I'm going to go do some cardio now, here's my food log.
Breakfast
1 piece flax seed whole wheat bread
1 tbsp peanut butter
2 slices red pepper
Lunch
Salad with
leafy greens
red pepper slices
salmon
balsamic vinegar
Snack
6 almonds
8 berries (raspberries, blackberries)
Supper
Korean soy bean soup with
Pumpkin
Shrimp
Mussels
White rice
Tofu
These are the words I never wanted to say, but I think I have to come clean for the sake of my sanity. Some days I think I have an eating disorder. I battled one a few years back, but it was not for an extensive period of time, it took me about a month to snap out of it and gain all the weight back plus some.
I've just been so encouraged with all the weight I am rapidly losing. In the first few months I plateaued at a weight loss of five pounds. Then suddenly it's not even month three and I'm 4 pounds shy of my goal. I think the abrupt success made me want to kick it in high gear, lose even more, even faster, because I now know what I am capable of. If that required me to skip supper, cry because I ate over 700 calories in a day, then those were situations I would just have to endure.
I remember seeing a quote, it said
"Don't wait until you're thin to start living."
I think that is my problem. I've started this journey seeking happiness, not considering that it is okay to have it along the way. Don't get me wrong, I'm NOT anorexic, I just think sometimes how I go about my diet has disordered patterns. I passed up supper for a week in place of a single piece of fruit and peanut butter. I found myself having no energy throughout the day and my period was going bonkers. Every time I stood up everything would go black briefly, and I was always cold.
No more. I want this to be my new life. This is a lifestyle I have to adapt to. That means finding a balance. I'm never going to stick to it if everyday I feel like a tired, weak piece of crap who is always thinking about food but never eating it. The last thing in the entire world that I want is to be one of those people who do so well for a short period of time, and then go nuts and gain all the weight back and then some. it is literally my worst nightmare, to get to a point where I look back and wish I had the same will power. I need to get this straight, or else I'll end up depressed, or fat, or both.
I decided I'm going to stop counting calories. Obviously I'm going to read the nutrition labels and junk but I'm not going to dive for caloriecounter.com if I consume one grape. This may not be wise in others opinions but for me I find if I know how many calories are in something, I am less likely to eat it, even if that something is a banana. Coutning caloriesis too obsessive for my new lifestyle and is not a habit I would likely be able to carry through, so that is nixed.
I'm still going to keep a food log however. I'm also not going to let this weight loss journey consume me. Obviously it is very, very important and something I am going to try my very, very hardest to stick through, but I have other things in my life. I decided whenever this majorly gets in the ways of my school work, family and firends, I'm going to have to re-prioritize.
That felt really good to get out. I'm going to go do some cardio now, here's my food log.
Breakfast
1 piece flax seed whole wheat bread
1 tbsp peanut butter
2 slices red pepper
Lunch
Salad with
leafy greens
red pepper slices
salmon
balsamic vinegar
Snack
6 almonds
8 berries (raspberries, blackberries)
Supper
Korean soy bean soup with
Pumpkin
Shrimp
Mussels
White rice
Tofu
Sunday, October 25, 2009
I feel lost...
Hey everyone
So i don't exactly know what brought up these feelings...but I'm just kind of down. I feel like I have two voices in my head constantly in a tug-of-war. One is begging me to go to my old ways, binge-eating and not giving a fuck, and then the other is the one that keeps me on track in this new lifestyle.
It was never a huge issue before, if the bad voice even peeked its ugly head into my mind, I would automatically kill it by thinking of all the positive factors coming out of losing weight. These days it's becoming unbearable. I know I sound crazy but for 2 seconds in my day I would like not to think of what exercises I'm going o do when I get home, what I'm going to eat in the morning and calculating the calories of the air I breathe.
Geez, my bipolarness is even coming out in my writing, I'm sorry. Maybe I'm getting this negative attitude from the fact i literally have zero support from the people around me. My parents, god bless their souls, are always concerned if I'm eating right. I love them and the fact that they care, but I get irritated when my mom will make my favourite foods, not taking the nutritional value or all of my hard work into mind, because she knows I can't resist and she wants me to eat. I sound like such a bitch, complaining that my loving mother who is the world to me makes my favourite foods, when there are people in other countries who won't even get a meal tonight, but it's emotionally stressing me out. Gaaaad wtf is wrong with me...
My friends are even worse. I remember starting out this weight loss journey. One of the things that kept me motivated was the compliments I was going to get. I couldn't wait for people to start noticing. Well now that I am at the point that you can visually tell I lost weight, people have been on my back. Yesterday was my cheat day. I was at a friends house. I hadn't had supper and I was starving. Guess what they decide to pop into the oven? Two sodiumcaloriecarbfatsugar bomb pepperoni and cheese pizzas. I couldn;t really find a way around it, so reluctantly I had a slice. Only one though, which I'm proud of, and i never dipped it in ranch like I used to do notoriously. Then when I said no to the Sourpuss soaked jelly candies and the oreo ice cream, people were on my case. They asked me "Did you lose weight?" Those were the words I have been waiting for my entire life. The words that were going to be the reward for all of my hard work. But it was nothing like that. After that fateful question I was attacked with a sea of criticism. From "Omg you're too skinny!" "Look at those little legs!" "You look sick!" "That's not healthy!" "That's why you wouldn't eat ice cream!" "I THOUGHT you were eating your pizza unusually slow!" "Go eat chocolate, girl!"
It's really emotional for me, because instead of getting praise for improving my habits and bettering my life from my closest friends, they assume the worst and try to get me back on the fat train. This is how the inner tug-of-war initiates. One saying listen to my friends, because they are one of the biggest influences in my life, the other saying fuck them, it's your life. The sad truth is i really do care, and it really hurts, I wish I had support, I just feel like breaking down and crying sometimes, and it's so stupid because I ahav a really great life, there should be notihng to complain about, I have had no traumatic experiences or anything, i'
m just another teenage girl with no relelvance complainging my face off about something as stupid as body image, yet i can't stop, and i'm word vomitting right now, i'm sorry, i just feel so emotionally overwhelmed I don't even know what to do anymore.
Sorry about the spiel. Anyways I never got in my workout today because I just felt so bummed. I think I'm getting sick too, because my appetite is just non-existant today. I hate not getting in my workout, especially after a cheat day, ugh.. anyways i'm going to bed, hoepfully tomorrows a better day...here's my food log.
Breakfast
None. woke up late.
Lunch
Salmon
Three spiced raddish chunks
white rice
Snack
Banana
Supper
apple
So i don't exactly know what brought up these feelings...but I'm just kind of down. I feel like I have two voices in my head constantly in a tug-of-war. One is begging me to go to my old ways, binge-eating and not giving a fuck, and then the other is the one that keeps me on track in this new lifestyle.
It was never a huge issue before, if the bad voice even peeked its ugly head into my mind, I would automatically kill it by thinking of all the positive factors coming out of losing weight. These days it's becoming unbearable. I know I sound crazy but for 2 seconds in my day I would like not to think of what exercises I'm going o do when I get home, what I'm going to eat in the morning and calculating the calories of the air I breathe.
Geez, my bipolarness is even coming out in my writing, I'm sorry. Maybe I'm getting this negative attitude from the fact i literally have zero support from the people around me. My parents, god bless their souls, are always concerned if I'm eating right. I love them and the fact that they care, but I get irritated when my mom will make my favourite foods, not taking the nutritional value or all of my hard work into mind, because she knows I can't resist and she wants me to eat. I sound like such a bitch, complaining that my loving mother who is the world to me makes my favourite foods, when there are people in other countries who won't even get a meal tonight, but it's emotionally stressing me out. Gaaaad wtf is wrong with me...
My friends are even worse. I remember starting out this weight loss journey. One of the things that kept me motivated was the compliments I was going to get. I couldn't wait for people to start noticing. Well now that I am at the point that you can visually tell I lost weight, people have been on my back. Yesterday was my cheat day. I was at a friends house. I hadn't had supper and I was starving. Guess what they decide to pop into the oven? Two sodiumcaloriecarbfatsugar bomb pepperoni and cheese pizzas. I couldn;t really find a way around it, so reluctantly I had a slice. Only one though, which I'm proud of, and i never dipped it in ranch like I used to do notoriously. Then when I said no to the Sourpuss soaked jelly candies and the oreo ice cream, people were on my case. They asked me "Did you lose weight?" Those were the words I have been waiting for my entire life. The words that were going to be the reward for all of my hard work. But it was nothing like that. After that fateful question I was attacked with a sea of criticism. From "Omg you're too skinny!" "Look at those little legs!" "You look sick!" "That's not healthy!" "That's why you wouldn't eat ice cream!" "I THOUGHT you were eating your pizza unusually slow!" "Go eat chocolate, girl!"
It's really emotional for me, because instead of getting praise for improving my habits and bettering my life from my closest friends, they assume the worst and try to get me back on the fat train. This is how the inner tug-of-war initiates. One saying listen to my friends, because they are one of the biggest influences in my life, the other saying fuck them, it's your life. The sad truth is i really do care, and it really hurts, I wish I had support, I just feel like breaking down and crying sometimes, and it's so stupid because I ahav a really great life, there should be notihng to complain about, I have had no traumatic experiences or anything, i'
m just another teenage girl with no relelvance complainging my face off about something as stupid as body image, yet i can't stop, and i'm word vomitting right now, i'm sorry, i just feel so emotionally overwhelmed I don't even know what to do anymore.
Sorry about the spiel. Anyways I never got in my workout today because I just felt so bummed. I think I'm getting sick too, because my appetite is just non-existant today. I hate not getting in my workout, especially after a cheat day, ugh.. anyways i'm going to bed, hoepfully tomorrows a better day...here's my food log.
Breakfast
None. woke up late.
Lunch
Salmon
Three spiced raddish chunks
white rice
Snack
Banana
Supper
apple
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Hallejuah!
As you know my weigh-in which was scheduled for yesterday was postponed to today. I know it was irrational of me but I literally drank gallons of water for no reason other then the fact that I was thirsty. I know water weight doesn't account for much but it does add up, and usually when i see a number I don't like i feel immediately discouraged and dive for the nearest saturated fat trap I can get my dissapointed hands on. So without any further ado, here are the results....
Starting weight
150 lbs
Weight at last weigh in
134 lbs
Current weight
124 lb-fuckin-s!
Words cannot comprehend how happy I am. I haven't been in the 120's since...god i can't even remember. Every time I weight myself, my scale does this thing where it hovers over a particular digit but it's not quite there. Right now it's hovering over 120. My goal weight, the light at the end of the tunnel. When I first started this journey, I wasn't doing a lot of things efficiently. Because of this, I lost only 5 pounds in a month, and plateaued there for a long period of time. I don't really know what i'm doing differently now that the weight is flying off, maybe it is that i'm more educated, maybe it is because my willpower is strengthened, maybe it's because I incorporated exercise into my everyday routine, I don't know. What i do know is i am beyond happy for myself, and I am going to gloat and brag all I want because for the first time in my life I achieved something, all by myself. I never threw up my hands and gave up because the scale wouldn't budge, or because my mouth was salivating everytime I walk past the chocolate stuffed vending machines at school. I ...am...a....warrior. I better take advantadge of this confidence high and do some jumping jacks because this is the biggest energy rush i have felt in a long time, so you can blame that for my attrotious spelling and unorganized paragraph structure!!! WOO FUCKIN HOOO!!
anyways, as happy as i am, it's not even close to being over. I need to find a new form of exercise that I can attend consistantly, and something that cranks up the intensity factor. it's time to kick it into high gear boys. Unfortunatley im still too insecure about my appearence and age to a join a gym, so i'm scouting some classes. this will be hard for me because i'll probably be the odd one out, a 16 year old in a class full of 40 year old kickboxing fiends, or whatever, but it is essential. any ideas? i would really appreciate it.
tomorrow i'm trying not to think about because I don't need the stress. I know I am going to cheat tomorrow. i am going to this presentation about saing the enviroment, where they will be serving high calorie curry and organic icecream. It would be rude to say no and I just don't know what to do i decided im going to wing it and use the data from my weighin to motivate me enough to keep portions, calories and etc in mind. anyways im going to do some back flips or something, i'll likely be back later to edit this pot because it is a mess of misspelled words and grammar errors, and i'm not usually too anal about it but it would be a headache for anyone who actually reads this. :) ya i'm talking to you bluenotess, P.S. keep pushing girl! you're doing great!
food loggskiess...
Breakfast
1 banana
1 tbsp peanut butter
Lunch
Sandwich:
2 slices whole wheat bread
Dijon mustard
chunks of longhorn beef
iceberg lettuce
snack
pickle
supper
fruit salad:
1 apple
8 grapes, halved
2 tsp cinnamon
Starting weight
150 lbs
Weight at last weigh in
134 lbs
Current weight
124 lb-fuckin-s!
Words cannot comprehend how happy I am. I haven't been in the 120's since...god i can't even remember. Every time I weight myself, my scale does this thing where it hovers over a particular digit but it's not quite there. Right now it's hovering over 120. My goal weight, the light at the end of the tunnel. When I first started this journey, I wasn't doing a lot of things efficiently. Because of this, I lost only 5 pounds in a month, and plateaued there for a long period of time. I don't really know what i'm doing differently now that the weight is flying off, maybe it is that i'm more educated, maybe it is because my willpower is strengthened, maybe it's because I incorporated exercise into my everyday routine, I don't know. What i do know is i am beyond happy for myself, and I am going to gloat and brag all I want because for the first time in my life I achieved something, all by myself. I never threw up my hands and gave up because the scale wouldn't budge, or because my mouth was salivating everytime I walk past the chocolate stuffed vending machines at school. I ...am...a....warrior. I better take advantadge of this confidence high and do some jumping jacks because this is the biggest energy rush i have felt in a long time, so you can blame that for my attrotious spelling and unorganized paragraph structure!!! WOO FUCKIN HOOO!!
anyways, as happy as i am, it's not even close to being over. I need to find a new form of exercise that I can attend consistantly, and something that cranks up the intensity factor. it's time to kick it into high gear boys. Unfortunatley im still too insecure about my appearence and age to a join a gym, so i'm scouting some classes. this will be hard for me because i'll probably be the odd one out, a 16 year old in a class full of 40 year old kickboxing fiends, or whatever, but it is essential. any ideas? i would really appreciate it.
tomorrow i'm trying not to think about because I don't need the stress. I know I am going to cheat tomorrow. i am going to this presentation about saing the enviroment, where they will be serving high calorie curry and organic icecream. It would be rude to say no and I just don't know what to do i decided im going to wing it and use the data from my weighin to motivate me enough to keep portions, calories and etc in mind. anyways im going to do some back flips or something, i'll likely be back later to edit this pot because it is a mess of misspelled words and grammar errors, and i'm not usually too anal about it but it would be a headache for anyone who actually reads this. :) ya i'm talking to you bluenotess, P.S. keep pushing girl! you're doing great!
food loggskiess...
Breakfast
1 banana
1 tbsp peanut butter
Lunch
Sandwich:
2 slices whole wheat bread
Dijon mustard
chunks of longhorn beef
iceberg lettuce
snack
pickle
supper
fruit salad:
1 apple
8 grapes, halved
2 tsp cinnamon
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Midweek update
So far, this week has been extremely busy and stressful. I'm just praying I make it through this Wednesday hump without devouring one of those 450 calorie butter tarts that have been teasing me since the day that old lady, who's heart is in the right place, but is actually an evil witch, decided to bake them by the bulk and send them home with daddy dearest. BLAH.
Since I have had homework flying out my ass and my knee injury that was a product of my graceful shoelace trip has been KILLING me, I have gotten next to no exercise this week. Even during gym, when we had to run to the tennis courts, AGAIN, I could not even make it halfway. I's only a 1 km run but ironically I feel as if i don't have any energy these days. Even during the actual tennis games I can hardly focus or move around because
a) My partners suck ASS
b) I am CONSTANTLY thinking about food
It's sad really, but I can't help it. Sometimes i just want to fall back into my old habits and have the most decadent, sugary, salty meal and not count the calories.
However i know this is NOT an option. I am not even halfway into my 6 month weight-loss journey, so this attitude has to be mastered and ELIMINATED. One of my new favourite quotes is something i picked up off of a Paul Plakas's website. Paul is the trainer for my favourite T.V. show, X-Weighted, and one of my idols.
Pain is temporary. Giving up lasts forever.
I recite this to myself every time the last squat gets too hard, or that extra 100 m seems impossible to reach. I know now it might be getting unbearably difficult, but all the benefits of losing weight will pay off and then some in the end.
Anyways, today our gym class ran to the local gym. it was my first time actually being in a fitness facility. I got in a bit of workout by doing a 15 minute core class, and I burned four calories on the elliptical. I decided I don't like machinery. I do not feel comfortable in a gym at all, I would much rather be at home in front of my T.V. doing crunches then displaying my panting, out of shape self for all the veiny muscleheads to judge. I mgiht join a gym after the six months have passed, maybe then I'll be ready. It is a good enviroment, just not for me.
On a different note, it kind of makes me mad how my friends eat whatever they want and don't gain a pound. While I'm basically having an emotional war with myself just to stop from shoving that 500 calorie cookie down my throat, they down 800 calorie breakfats bagels and enjoy a bucketful of mayonaise covered fries and still remain as thin as a pole. I'm pretty sure if I adapted their eating habits for even a week, I'd be back at my original weight. I'm not going to try and skip around this to spare feelings, because hell, this is my blog, but I wish they would just gain massive amounts of weight just so i could have some justice and peace of mind. I blame their retarded metabolisms due to the fact they do sports. People who have a lot of muscle and are active on a regular basis can pretty much eat an entire buffalo and still maintain their weight. Like boys. They are basically all total gluttons, yet they have washboard sixpacks and biceps for days. I really wish there was a sport I was good at, but basically anything that involves endurance and cooridinatin simply is not in my range of capabilty. Eugh.
Anyways, I'll stop my negative ranting there, because I have enough pessismism to explode planets. I really need to go shopping. All of my pants are literally falling off me now. And no, not in the cute, boyfriend fit kind of way. The butt of my pant sags to the back of my knees and I have to religiously hike them up to protect the world from my buttcrackimitus.
Alot more people are taking notice too. Which is always good. One of my guy friends, who is always playfully insulting me, pointed out that i've gotten noticably skinnier. This may not pose any relevance but if you knew him, this is a HUGE compliment. Anyways, I'm not going to bother to write my food log for Monday and Tuesday because my cellphone, which i record all of my daily eateries in, is in my purse, in the kitchen, which would require me to take a stroll past the butter tarts. Here is my food log for TODAY:
Breakfast
Cinnamon oatmeal
topped with one blackberry
and three raspberries
Lunch
Broccolli and beef stir fir
(beef is from longhorn cow, supposed to be more calorie wise)
Snack
Eleven grapes
Supper
1 apple
1 tbsp peanut butter
NOTE**********THE WEIGH-IN IS CANCELED. I FORGOT ABOUT IT AND LITERALLY DRANK AN OCEAN OF WATER. THE EXCESS WATER WEIGHT WILL TRICK THE SCALE AND DEMOLISH MY MOTIVATION. TOMORROW AT SEVEN EXPECT RESULTS!!!!!!!!! OBNOXIOUS FTW
OH and I have a weigh in tonight, first one since I've started this blogging bussiness, so this shall be recorded around 7 PM. The suspense.....
Since I have had homework flying out my ass and my knee injury that was a product of my graceful shoelace trip has been KILLING me, I have gotten next to no exercise this week. Even during gym, when we had to run to the tennis courts, AGAIN, I could not even make it halfway. I's only a 1 km run but ironically I feel as if i don't have any energy these days. Even during the actual tennis games I can hardly focus or move around because
a) My partners suck ASS
b) I am CONSTANTLY thinking about food
It's sad really, but I can't help it. Sometimes i just want to fall back into my old habits and have the most decadent, sugary, salty meal and not count the calories.
However i know this is NOT an option. I am not even halfway into my 6 month weight-loss journey, so this attitude has to be mastered and ELIMINATED. One of my new favourite quotes is something i picked up off of a Paul Plakas's website. Paul is the trainer for my favourite T.V. show, X-Weighted, and one of my idols.
Pain is temporary. Giving up lasts forever.
I recite this to myself every time the last squat gets too hard, or that extra 100 m seems impossible to reach. I know now it might be getting unbearably difficult, but all the benefits of losing weight will pay off and then some in the end.
Anyways, today our gym class ran to the local gym. it was my first time actually being in a fitness facility. I got in a bit of workout by doing a 15 minute core class, and I burned four calories on the elliptical. I decided I don't like machinery. I do not feel comfortable in a gym at all, I would much rather be at home in front of my T.V. doing crunches then displaying my panting, out of shape self for all the veiny muscleheads to judge. I mgiht join a gym after the six months have passed, maybe then I'll be ready. It is a good enviroment, just not for me.
On a different note, it kind of makes me mad how my friends eat whatever they want and don't gain a pound. While I'm basically having an emotional war with myself just to stop from shoving that 500 calorie cookie down my throat, they down 800 calorie breakfats bagels and enjoy a bucketful of mayonaise covered fries and still remain as thin as a pole. I'm pretty sure if I adapted their eating habits for even a week, I'd be back at my original weight. I'm not going to try and skip around this to spare feelings, because hell, this is my blog, but I wish they would just gain massive amounts of weight just so i could have some justice and peace of mind. I blame their retarded metabolisms due to the fact they do sports. People who have a lot of muscle and are active on a regular basis can pretty much eat an entire buffalo and still maintain their weight. Like boys. They are basically all total gluttons, yet they have washboard sixpacks and biceps for days. I really wish there was a sport I was good at, but basically anything that involves endurance and cooridinatin simply is not in my range of capabilty. Eugh.
Anyways, I'll stop my negative ranting there, because I have enough pessismism to explode planets. I really need to go shopping. All of my pants are literally falling off me now. And no, not in the cute, boyfriend fit kind of way. The butt of my pant sags to the back of my knees and I have to religiously hike them up to protect the world from my buttcrackimitus.
Alot more people are taking notice too. Which is always good. One of my guy friends, who is always playfully insulting me, pointed out that i've gotten noticably skinnier. This may not pose any relevance but if you knew him, this is a HUGE compliment. Anyways, I'm not going to bother to write my food log for Monday and Tuesday because my cellphone, which i record all of my daily eateries in, is in my purse, in the kitchen, which would require me to take a stroll past the butter tarts. Here is my food log for TODAY:
Breakfast
Cinnamon oatmeal
topped with one blackberry
and three raspberries
Lunch
Broccolli and beef stir fir
(beef is from longhorn cow, supposed to be more calorie wise)
Snack
Eleven grapes
Supper
1 apple
1 tbsp peanut butter
NOTE**********THE WEIGH-IN IS CANCELED. I FORGOT ABOUT IT AND LITERALLY DRANK AN OCEAN OF WATER. THE EXCESS WATER WEIGHT WILL TRICK THE SCALE AND DEMOLISH MY MOTIVATION. TOMORROW AT SEVEN EXPECT RESULTS!!!!!!!!! OBNOXIOUS FTW
OH and I have a weigh in tonight, first one since I've started this blogging bussiness, so this shall be recorded around 7 PM. The suspense.....
Sunday, October 18, 2009
I survived the weekend
So it's Sunday night, and I though I'd just give you a quick lowdown of how my weekend went over.
Friday I went to a hockey game. I managed to squeeze in a workout which I'm proud of. Before the hockey game the girls and I had a few drinks. I justified this due to the fact that I ate exceptionally well all day. I did about five vodka shots which I chased with coke zero. I don't know how they made this peculiar liquid that tastes like coke but managed to leave out any calories or sugar, but it's sick and twisted.
After the game we went out for supper, so it was a late supper, about 9:00 PM. I have this thing about eating late, for some reason I thought it like doubled the actual amount of calories you are consuming or made your metabolism go bonkers. However, I was reading a health magazine yesterday and they said it`s not WHAT you eat late at night, it`s HOW MUCH you eat. I went way downhill at this point. Although I did not get NEARLY as much as my friends, who`s orders consisted of mozza sticks with a side of onion rings, cheeseburger with a side of tex mex fries, this fancy new sandwich that is a deep fried piece of chicken smothered in thai sauce in between two pieces of garlic bread and topped with fatty slices of bacon and several other diet disasters, I deserve no place in the dieters hall of fame. Being the insecure, conforming loser I am, I felt pressured into avoiding the salad menu and impulsively ordered a grilled cheese. I don`t even want to know the nutritional info of the processed, buttered, white breaded disaster because sometimes ignorance is bliss. I felt guilty every-time I plunged it into a sea of high sodium ketchup, but I couldn`t stop myself. Sometimes it feels like I have no self control.
Anyways moving on, to make up for my late night indulgence I decided on Saturday that I would eat as clean as possible. Since I knew I`d be drinking again that night I skipped supper, which was a terrible idea because after a few shots of whiskey and vodka I was out of my mind intoxicated. Nevertheless I have blamed my hangover and my scraped up knee that was the product of a self-induced fall to the fact I haven`t worked out at all today. I think I will do a quick circuit in front of the T.V. after this post and go to bed. Here is my food log.
Friday
Breakfast
Egg white and spinach omlette
1 tbsp salsa
Lunch
3 pieces of sushi
Handful of assorted greens
Snack
Apple sauce
Snack
Green apple
Supper
Grilled cheese w/ ketchup :(
One tater tot dipped in thai sauce :(
One bite mozza stick :( :( :(
Saturday
Breakfast
Pineapple
Lunch
Salad with
-Leafy greens
-Celery
-Cauliflower
-Balsamic vinegar
Snack
Apple
Sunday (today)
Breakfast
Big ass yellow apple
Lunch
3 pieces sushi dipped in soy sauce and wasabi
4 asparagus dipped in chili sauce
Bean sprouts
Supper
Big bowl of Korean beef noodle soup
Raddish seasoned in spice
Rice
Friday I went to a hockey game. I managed to squeeze in a workout which I'm proud of. Before the hockey game the girls and I had a few drinks. I justified this due to the fact that I ate exceptionally well all day. I did about five vodka shots which I chased with coke zero. I don't know how they made this peculiar liquid that tastes like coke but managed to leave out any calories or sugar, but it's sick and twisted.
After the game we went out for supper, so it was a late supper, about 9:00 PM. I have this thing about eating late, for some reason I thought it like doubled the actual amount of calories you are consuming or made your metabolism go bonkers. However, I was reading a health magazine yesterday and they said it`s not WHAT you eat late at night, it`s HOW MUCH you eat. I went way downhill at this point. Although I did not get NEARLY as much as my friends, who`s orders consisted of mozza sticks with a side of onion rings, cheeseburger with a side of tex mex fries, this fancy new sandwich that is a deep fried piece of chicken smothered in thai sauce in between two pieces of garlic bread and topped with fatty slices of bacon and several other diet disasters, I deserve no place in the dieters hall of fame. Being the insecure, conforming loser I am, I felt pressured into avoiding the salad menu and impulsively ordered a grilled cheese. I don`t even want to know the nutritional info of the processed, buttered, white breaded disaster because sometimes ignorance is bliss. I felt guilty every-time I plunged it into a sea of high sodium ketchup, but I couldn`t stop myself. Sometimes it feels like I have no self control.
Anyways moving on, to make up for my late night indulgence I decided on Saturday that I would eat as clean as possible. Since I knew I`d be drinking again that night I skipped supper, which was a terrible idea because after a few shots of whiskey and vodka I was out of my mind intoxicated. Nevertheless I have blamed my hangover and my scraped up knee that was the product of a self-induced fall to the fact I haven`t worked out at all today. I think I will do a quick circuit in front of the T.V. after this post and go to bed. Here is my food log.
Friday
Breakfast
Egg white and spinach omlette
1 tbsp salsa
Lunch
3 pieces of sushi
Handful of assorted greens
Snack
Apple sauce
Snack
Green apple
Supper
Grilled cheese w/ ketchup :(
One tater tot dipped in thai sauce :(
One bite mozza stick :( :( :(
Saturday
Breakfast
Pineapple
Lunch
Salad with
-Leafy greens
-Celery
-Cauliflower
-Balsamic vinegar
Snack
Apple
Sunday (today)
Breakfast
Big ass yellow apple
Lunch
3 pieces sushi dipped in soy sauce and wasabi
4 asparagus dipped in chili sauce
Bean sprouts
Supper
Big bowl of Korean beef noodle soup
Raddish seasoned in spice
Rice
Thursday, October 15, 2009
A little sleepy
As the title of this blog states, I am in fact, very fatigued. I just got in the door from an all-day trip to Stratford. We went to the theater to watch Macbeth. Frankly I had no fucking clue what was going on and had to force my eyes to stay open to get my $45.00 worth.
Afterward we went shopping, which I don't want to go into too much detail about because I am still emotionally scarred from leaving that adorable, brown, knitted sweater behind, it's little buttons staring at me, pleading me to make a mad dash for the ATM and give it a home. Gah.
I thought that this day was going to be an inevitable calorie bomb. It seems every time I go somewhere or do something social, temptations flood me like flies to a 3 day old pig carcass. I actually did surprisingly well. Although I was THIS close to getting a slice of blueberry cheesecake, and that greasy, glorious Chinese food was THIS close to luring me with its deep-fried aroma, I resisted.
It was not very difficult, seeing as the people I was with all day refused to eat anything. The last thing I wanted was to have a steaming plate of poutine piled high to the ceiling as they sat there nibbling the nails on their knobby fingers.
Ugh, it's so frustrating, it feels like I'm surrounded by hoards of people with eating disorders, and I'm powerless to do anything. What scares me is because I'm on this diet, I can so easily be dragged down to their level. It's like I'm hovering over the line of good and evil, and being around girls who think their thighs are fat when their whole body is the size of mine is slowly dragging me down.
I need to stay positive though because that is dangerous territory. To lose weight, you gotta exercise, and to exercise, you gotta eat. I used to aim for rail thin but now I'm just aiming for healthy. Which I believe I am very close to achieving.
Anyways back to having a social life equaling upping my caloric intake by 85%... that is something else that stresses me out. It's hard to find a balance. Everyone looks at me funny when I order a salad as they shovel away chicken wings or bacon burgers. They never straight up say it but I think they see me as snobby when I say "Grilled chicken wrap please, but no cheddar or ranch sauce, and make that a whole wheat tortilla." Then there is the alcohol. I know I'm too young to be drinking but let's not sugar coat things; where I grow up, avoiding becoming a full-time drinker by the time you're in high school is next to impossible. I don't drink often, but when I do, I almost always end up binging, which is one of the biggest calorie bombs known to man. I just can't find a way around it. Peer pressure is through the roof in my life. Saying no to a drink or waving away that giant bowl of buttered popcorn being passed around during a movie can do immense damage to your social status. It may sound irrelevant but if you think about it; to fit in, you do what everyone else does. Everyone drinks. Everyone eats like hogs. Therefore every time I decline the invitation to make deep-fried Mars bars at a girl's nights or order grilled salmon instead of a chicken cheese melt, people start thinking differently of me. It's tough being sixteen.
This weekend is going to be a toughie, like every other. It is the annual fair, which means rides, creepy carnies, and how can we forget the CANDY APPLES, the FUDGE, the HOT DOGS, the COTTON CANDY. To make matters worse everyone's planning to get drunk before the fair, to up the cool factor. Ugh. Do you think that when it comes to the point where I DON'T look forward to the weekend, I have a problem? I don't know. What I do know is, I don't want to undo all my hard work. Wish me luck y'all. Here's my food log.
Breakfast
Smoothie with:
-1 banana
-3 blackberries
-1 tbsp skim milk
Lunch
Mixed:
-Cooked cauliflower
-Turkey
-1 tbsp salsa
(my own recipe!)
Snack
Apple
Supper
4 pieces of sushi
No exercise tonight unfortunately. I'm way too tired, and I think it would do more damage then good. I'm constantly sore all the time these days, my poor nonathletic body punishing me for late night jumping jacks. I'm going to finish this cup of green tea, pack my lunch, pick my outfit and header' to bed, night everyone!
Afterward we went shopping, which I don't want to go into too much detail about because I am still emotionally scarred from leaving that adorable, brown, knitted sweater behind, it's little buttons staring at me, pleading me to make a mad dash for the ATM and give it a home. Gah.
I thought that this day was going to be an inevitable calorie bomb. It seems every time I go somewhere or do something social, temptations flood me like flies to a 3 day old pig carcass. I actually did surprisingly well. Although I was THIS close to getting a slice of blueberry cheesecake, and that greasy, glorious Chinese food was THIS close to luring me with its deep-fried aroma, I resisted.
It was not very difficult, seeing as the people I was with all day refused to eat anything. The last thing I wanted was to have a steaming plate of poutine piled high to the ceiling as they sat there nibbling the nails on their knobby fingers.
Ugh, it's so frustrating, it feels like I'm surrounded by hoards of people with eating disorders, and I'm powerless to do anything. What scares me is because I'm on this diet, I can so easily be dragged down to their level. It's like I'm hovering over the line of good and evil, and being around girls who think their thighs are fat when their whole body is the size of mine is slowly dragging me down.
I need to stay positive though because that is dangerous territory. To lose weight, you gotta exercise, and to exercise, you gotta eat. I used to aim for rail thin but now I'm just aiming for healthy. Which I believe I am very close to achieving.
Anyways back to having a social life equaling upping my caloric intake by 85%... that is something else that stresses me out. It's hard to find a balance. Everyone looks at me funny when I order a salad as they shovel away chicken wings or bacon burgers. They never straight up say it but I think they see me as snobby when I say "Grilled chicken wrap please, but no cheddar or ranch sauce, and make that a whole wheat tortilla." Then there is the alcohol. I know I'm too young to be drinking but let's not sugar coat things; where I grow up, avoiding becoming a full-time drinker by the time you're in high school is next to impossible. I don't drink often, but when I do, I almost always end up binging, which is one of the biggest calorie bombs known to man. I just can't find a way around it. Peer pressure is through the roof in my life. Saying no to a drink or waving away that giant bowl of buttered popcorn being passed around during a movie can do immense damage to your social status. It may sound irrelevant but if you think about it; to fit in, you do what everyone else does. Everyone drinks. Everyone eats like hogs. Therefore every time I decline the invitation to make deep-fried Mars bars at a girl's nights or order grilled salmon instead of a chicken cheese melt, people start thinking differently of me. It's tough being sixteen.
This weekend is going to be a toughie, like every other. It is the annual fair, which means rides, creepy carnies, and how can we forget the CANDY APPLES, the FUDGE, the HOT DOGS, the COTTON CANDY. To make matters worse everyone's planning to get drunk before the fair, to up the cool factor. Ugh. Do you think that when it comes to the point where I DON'T look forward to the weekend, I have a problem? I don't know. What I do know is, I don't want to undo all my hard work. Wish me luck y'all. Here's my food log.
Breakfast
Smoothie with:
-1 banana
-3 blackberries
-1 tbsp skim milk
Lunch
Mixed:
-Cooked cauliflower
-Turkey
-1 tbsp salsa
(my own recipe!)
Snack
Apple
Supper
4 pieces of sushi
No exercise tonight unfortunately. I'm way too tired, and I think it would do more damage then good. I'm constantly sore all the time these days, my poor nonathletic body punishing me for late night jumping jacks. I'm going to finish this cup of green tea, pack my lunch, pick my outfit and header' to bed, night everyone!
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