Feeling better

Yah, sorry I went a little crazy yesterday. I have no idea why i was so frazzled, i must have a hormonal imbalance of some sort. I'm feeling a lot better today.

These are the words I never wanted to say, but I think I have to come clean for the sake of my sanity. Some days I think I have an eating disorder. I battled one a few years back, but it was not for an extensive period of time, it took me about a month to snap out of it and gain all the weight back plus some.

I've just been so encouraged with all the weight I am rapidly losing. In the first few months I plateaued at a weight loss of five pounds. Then suddenly it's not even month three and I'm 4 pounds shy of my goal. I think the abrupt success made me want to kick it in high gear, lose even more, even faster, because I now know what I am capable of. If that required me to skip supper, cry because I ate over 700 calories in a day, then those were situations I would just have to endure.

I remember seeing a quote, it said

"Don't wait until you're thin to start living."

I think that is my problem. I've started this journey seeking happiness, not considering that it is okay to have it along the way. Don't get me wrong, I'm NOT anorexic, I just think sometimes how I go about my diet has disordered patterns. I passed up supper for a week in place of a single piece of fruit and peanut butter. I found myself having no energy throughout the day and my period was going bonkers. Every time I stood up everything would go black briefly, and I was always cold.

No more. I want this to be my new life. This is a lifestyle I have to adapt to. That means finding a balance. I'm never going to stick to it if everyday I feel like a tired, weak piece of crap who is always thinking about food but never eating it. The last thing in the entire world that I want is to be one of those people who do so well for a short period of time, and then go nuts and gain all the weight back and then some. it is literally my worst nightmare, to get to a point where I look back and wish I had the same will power. I need to get this straight, or else I'll end up depressed, or fat, or both.

I decided I'm going to stop counting calories. Obviously I'm going to read the nutrition labels and junk but I'm not going to dive for caloriecounter.com if I consume one grape. This may not be wise in others opinions but for me I find if I know how many calories are in something, I am less likely to eat it, even if that something is a banana. Coutning caloriesis too obsessive for my new lifestyle and is not a habit I would likely be able to carry through, so that is nixed.

I'm still going to keep a food log however. I'm also not going to let this weight loss journey consume me. Obviously it is very, very important and something I am going to try my very, very hardest to stick through, but I have other things in my life. I decided whenever this majorly gets in the ways of my school work, family and firends, I'm going to have to re-prioritize.

That felt really good to get out. I'm going to go do some cardio now, here's my food log.

Breakfast
1 piece flax seed whole wheat bread
1 tbsp peanut butter
2 slices red pepper

Lunch
Salad with
leafy greens
red pepper slices
salmon
balsamic vinegar

Snack
6 almonds
8 berries (raspberries, blackberries)

Supper
Korean soy bean soup with
Pumpkin
Shrimp
Mussels
White rice
Tofu