Hey everyone
So i don't exactly know what brought up these feelings...but I'm just kind of down. I feel like I have two voices in my head constantly in a tug-of-war. One is begging me to go to my old ways, binge-eating and not giving a fuck, and then the other is the one that keeps me on track in this new lifestyle.
It was never a huge issue before, if the bad voice even peeked its ugly head into my mind, I would automatically kill it by thinking of all the positive factors coming out of losing weight. These days it's becoming unbearable. I know I sound crazy but for 2 seconds in my day I would like not to think of what exercises I'm going o do when I get home, what I'm going to eat in the morning and calculating the calories of the air I breathe.
Geez, my bipolarness is even coming out in my writing, I'm sorry. Maybe I'm getting this negative attitude from the fact i literally have zero support from the people around me. My parents, god bless their souls, are always concerned if I'm eating right. I love them and the fact that they care, but I get irritated when my mom will make my favourite foods, not taking the nutritional value or all of my hard work into mind, because she knows I can't resist and she wants me to eat. I sound like such a bitch, complaining that my loving mother who is the world to me makes my favourite foods, when there are people in other countries who won't even get a meal tonight, but it's emotionally stressing me out. Gaaaad wtf is wrong with me...
My friends are even worse. I remember starting out this weight loss journey. One of the things that kept me motivated was the compliments I was going to get. I couldn't wait for people to start noticing. Well now that I am at the point that you can visually tell I lost weight, people have been on my back. Yesterday was my cheat day. I was at a friends house. I hadn't had supper and I was starving. Guess what they decide to pop into the oven? Two sodiumcaloriecarbfatsugar bomb pepperoni and cheese pizzas. I couldn;t really find a way around it, so reluctantly I had a slice. Only one though, which I'm proud of, and i never dipped it in ranch like I used to do notoriously. Then when I said no to the Sourpuss soaked jelly candies and the oreo ice cream, people were on my case. They asked me "Did you lose weight?" Those were the words I have been waiting for my entire life. The words that were going to be the reward for all of my hard work. But it was nothing like that. After that fateful question I was attacked with a sea of criticism. From "Omg you're too skinny!" "Look at those little legs!" "You look sick!" "That's not healthy!" "That's why you wouldn't eat ice cream!" "I THOUGHT you were eating your pizza unusually slow!" "Go eat chocolate, girl!"
It's really emotional for me, because instead of getting praise for improving my habits and bettering my life from my closest friends, they assume the worst and try to get me back on the fat train. This is how the inner tug-of-war initiates. One saying listen to my friends, because they are one of the biggest influences in my life, the other saying fuck them, it's your life. The sad truth is i really do care, and it really hurts, I wish I had support, I just feel like breaking down and crying sometimes, and it's so stupid because I ahav a really great life, there should be notihng to complain about, I have had no traumatic experiences or anything, i'
m just another teenage girl with no relelvance complainging my face off about something as stupid as body image, yet i can't stop, and i'm word vomitting right now, i'm sorry, i just feel so emotionally overwhelmed I don't even know what to do anymore.
Sorry about the spiel. Anyways I never got in my workout today because I just felt so bummed. I think I'm getting sick too, because my appetite is just non-existant today. I hate not getting in my workout, especially after a cheat day, ugh.. anyways i'm going to bed, hoepfully tomorrows a better day...here's my food log.
Breakfast
None. woke up late.
Lunch
Salmon
Three spiced raddish chunks
white rice
Snack
Banana
Supper
apple
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don't be discouraged! your weight is not too low or too skinny, and even if it was, as long as you're healthy and you are happy where you are, that's all that matters!
ReplyDeletei know it's so hard, but try your best to not listen to your friends. odds are, they're jealous that they don't have your strength, drive & willpower, and think you look awesome!
We have all been on that other side, where your friends are. Think about being in their position- your friend lost all this weight and looks amazing, and maybe you've been trying to but just can't. You get jealous, just like they're jealous of you. You're complimentary, but with an undertone of critisism. don't let it get to you!
I have realized that all of these things I am doing for this diet that keep me on track- like the food logging, blog writing, cooking, exercise, water, - is really exhausting. Don't be so hard on yourself if you don't count every calorie, and try not to drive yourself crazy. Everyone needs to find a natural, healthy balance. Be aware of what you're eating, but don't obsess over it. I know it's harder than it sounds, but I think after a lot of practice & enforcement of habits, healthy becomes a habit.
you're doing great. if you ever, ever need anyone, leave me your email or something =)
stay strong!!